The One

Let's face it, you're never going to find the guts, the balls, the gusto, the nerve, the ... oomph. Never. You can tell yourself

"next time, next time I swear I will",
"tomorrow, tomorrow", or
"just one more day"

and just as always, the next time will come, then go. If you happen to defy the neverness factor of it all, it's usually because you've waited so long that it's a do-or-seriously-never situation' the proverbial gun has been held to your head, and you've got two choices: dodge the bullet or suffer the impact. And more than likely, your worst fears will e met, you'll be told

"I'm sorry, it's too late" or
"I just don't know anymore."

You wait so long, just to prove yourself right in the worst way possible...that you would be let down, you would be hurt, they would hurt you, again

...except this time, it's your fault...

you set yourself up. You dealt the cards that would get you exactly what you didn't want...you have no one to blame but yourself. But you'll go on for the longest time, mourning yourself-induced loss, and wish for the what-ifs and the what-weres. You hit the point where you now have the chance to lose everything, (because you'll choose to shut down), whereas had you pushed your way through the nauseating, painful process of early possible rejection, you would have had nothing to lose, but everything to gain. Instead, it's a lose-lose...you come out feeling half the person you were when you started, you've suffered an impact from more than just one gun.

I Lied... (I Didn't Lie)

I lied when I said it was ok.
When I said I was ok.
I lied when I said I'd never
hold it against you.
I do, every day...

I lied when I said it was ok.
When I said I was ok.
I lied when I said we could
be just friends.
I can't do it...

I lied when I said it was ok.
When I said I was ok.
I lied when I said we could try
to be together again.
I don't see it...

I lied when I said it was ok.
When I said it had to be this way.
I lied when I said I was fine
That you stopped being my friend
I need you in my life...

Except, you see I didn't lie.
I didn't lie, because I couldn't lie.
I just didn't know at the time
that I didn't mean it.
I cannot do it.

{work in progress}
Everyone says things they swear they mean. However, sometimes afterwards, we realize we didn't mean it, we can't do what we thought we could... These are some of those times.

Well Now...

It has come to my attention that I pretty much fail at continually updating a blog site these days. I will be trying to do better...but I feel as a student...my time is better spent elsewhere, be it in books or enjoying the outdoors.

I am excited to report I am on my way to graduating with enough behind me to get into graduate school...now to just keep it like that! :) I have once again been blessed with the ability to go home more than once before Christmas vacation, and will be taking off in about two weeks for my second vacation.

Alas, I must return to my good ol' Critical Theory and Romanticism research...

You...

You ask why my face is so hot,
Why I'm radiating heat...isn't it obvious?
I'm with you.

You get my heart racing
You're the air,
The air that sends my butterflies fluttering
You make me blush when you remind me
Of all we used to do.

Your arm around my waist
Feels so natural,
As if it belongs there...permanently.
Then you play with my fingers,
Touch my face,
and look me over with a longing
That I'm not meant to see,
and that you might not even realize you have.

Your smell, I imagine at night after seeing you.
Your embrace I cherish and hold on to,
it helps me sleep. Did you know that?
Your smile, your voice...
Are on constant replay.

People wonder why I smile at random,
And giggle.
I'm thinking of you.

I don't know if you can tell
But every touch is just as painful
As it is exhilerating;
I miss you.

Every smile I flash
Has a hidden side;
One of sadness and tugged heartstrings.

I hope deep down inside
You see the way I look at you.
You understand that my longing gaze
Is not just for what we had physically,
But for what we had in everything.

I miss the way you made me feel,
like my puzzle had found a piece...